literature

Borderline Personality

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Literature Text

borderline personality disorder. instability of self-image, interpersonal relationships, and mood, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. a marked and persisitent identity disturbance is almost ivariaby present. is manifested by uncertainty about several life issues, such as self image, sexual orientation, long term life goals or career choice, types of friends or lovers to have, and which values to adopt. person often experiences this as chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom. interpersonal relationships are usually unstable and tense and may be characterized by alteration of the extremes of overidealization and devaluation. have difficulty being alone, and will make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. marked mood shifts, depression, irratibility, anxiety, usually lasting a few hours, or only rarely more than a few days. inappropriately intense anger with frequently displayed temper or recurrent physical fights. impulsive behavior, particularly in activities that are potentially self damaging such as shoplifting, shopping sprees, substance abuse, reckless driving, casual sex, binge eating. suicide threats, gestures, or behavior, self-mutilating behavior, are common in more severe forms of this disorder. this behavior may serve to manipulate others, may be the result of intense anger, or may counteract feelings of "numbness" and depersonaliztion or detacthment from self and reality. frequently this disorder is accompanied by many features of other personality disorders such as schizotypal, histronic, narcissisitic, and anti social personality disorders. social contrariness and a generally pessimistic outlook are observed. alteration between dependency and self assertion is common. is more commonly diagnosed in women.


okay. so there is the clincal definition, as given in the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, 3rd edition, revised (1987) pp. 346-47.


being goth with a history of an abusive parent, abusive lovers, alcoholism, lesser drug addiction, moronic choices in lovers, depression, and i can't even think of all the crap this second, i sound like a prime candidate for this. i'm willing to bet so are most of you reading this. i'm writing this because i read a damn good book that moved me. "girl, interrupted" by susanna kaysen. she lives in my state. and she doesn't sound crazy to me. i'm thinking maybe lots of people aren't crazy. they just have the misfortune to have parents who are well meaning and have too much money. i didn't have either growing up so i can't tell you. personally i feel lucky my parents were too broke and too fucked up themselves to send me to an institution. i think artists and pretty much anyone who thinks differently than the rest of the cookie cutter zombies out there right now would be candidates for an institution. make them "normal"; make them heterosexual, unpierced and untattooed, cheerful color wearing, gap shopping, wal mart loving, unable to think for themselves, braindead. what does this have to do with body image or self esteem? lots. society tells you, other kids growing up tell you, commercials on tv tell you who and what you are supposed to be. if you don't know what you want from life, or you question the values they try to spoon feed you from birth, then there must be something wrong with you. you look in the mirror and realize one day you don't want to go to college and be a lawyer or a nuclear physicist. you think maybe you want to get with that hot chick in your art class if you're a girl, or maybe that poet looks cute if you're a guy. you question the values and question reality. in this day and age of feminism, you want to stay home and be a wife and/or mother. in short, you don't want out of life what everyone and everything tells you you should. and you're called crazy. you're called a lot of things. and you start if you didn't already, to hate yourself. because you aren't what people want you to be, expect you to be. you feel like you are letting people down, or maybe just like you shouldn't exist at all. am i right? and then you feel detatched and numb. like their bright sunshine 9 to 5 world isn't real, and maybe you aren't real. nothing makes you happy, you don't belong. the whole point of living is to have these false things they told you you were supposed to want, so maybe you'd be better off dead. i know i felt that way. probably some of you have too. feeling bad, tainted, ugly, evil... like maybe if you can just let out the numbness, let out the badness inside you, everything will be okay and you'll be normal. in the dark ages they said it was demons, tried to exorcise them from people. now they drug people up and lock them up instead. you're different, and that's bad. it translates into every aspect of life... you aren't 100 pounds and 5'2 and a cheerleader, so you starve yourself hoping if only you lose enough weight, you'll be good enough for someone to love you. you aren't the captain of the football team or a wrestler, you don't have bulging muscles if you're a guy. so you hate yourself and feel like no girl will ever want you. all i want to say is, fuck them. it's okay to not have a plan, or to have one that isn't their plan. it's okay to be different. maybe people will call you crazy, maybe you won't be popular. but there is more to life. there would be no great writers, no great artists, no inventions, no progress if everybody was "normal". you know that stupid saying about life being boring if all birds only sang the same song? well it's true about people too. pretty much every goddamn person has fit this above generalization, at least while a teenager. and some of us choose to stay on the fringes of society even after we aren't teenagers anymore. i hope people will get something out of what i do, be it writing, modeling, or my art that is manipulations of normal images to let people see inside my head and see a different perspective of every day things. i hope people will feel not so alone, realize there are other weirdos out there. i'm not part of any club because i think i need help. (which right there would probably be classified as denial or some other disorder). i want to share with others my experiences and perspectives to make other people think, and feel better. i have many friends who have had experiences with institutions, with medications, with therapists. and i can honestly say that i respect them for being different today, for not giving in while going through all that and becoming who they are and not what society would have wanted them to be. for everyone who feels unattractive and alone and unlovable right now, like they are worthless and nobody will ever want them, i say i have been there. and so have lots of other people. you are not alone, no matter how much it feels like it. and i encourage you to share your story too.
:bulletgreen: This is a deviation by and i guess you should read it. It is intense, truthfull and touching...
Be well, my deviants,
=selva-amarga
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